Top 10 Signs the Beatles May Be Here Tonight
10. Giant Yellow Submarine parked in front of theater
9. Street vendors selling Ringo dogs
8. They were supposed to be on last night but we ran out of time
7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool
6. Pete Best spotted in the standby ticket line
5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book
4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK
3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session
2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe
1. Hell has just frozen over
Top Ten Signs The Other Beatles Don't Like You
10. Whenever you start talking, they say, "Let it be, Bonehead"
9. You're making less money from the reunion than Pete Best
8. You find out you were the inspiration for "Nowhere Man"
7. If you didn't see it in T.V. Guide, you wouldn't have known about a reunion
6. The only way you can get their attention is by eating Christmas ornaments (Cut to shot of Anton eating ornaments)
5. After you spent the week working on a painting for the cover,they decide to go with "The White Album"
4. They make you sit in the back of Air Force One
3. When they hear you play, they say, "Wow -- you're even worse than Ringo!"
2. They won't stop singing "We hate you - yeah, yeah, yeah!"
1. Always trying to set you up with Yoko
Top Ten Revalations in Albert Goldman's Upcoming Biography of Ringo
10. Only Beatle to portray himself in Beatlemania
9. Used to give John and Paul token songs to sing so they wouldn't feel left out
8. Had a secretary named Lincoln, while Lincoln had a secretary named Ringo
7. For a while, actually believed Paul was dead
6. Served in Indiana National Guard during Vietnam War
5. Suggested "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees" as Beatles theme song
4. On their honeymoon, he and Barbara Bach held a "bed-in" to promote Seagrams's wine coolers
3. Made a fortune selling cheesy Ginsu Knife sets on TV (I'm sorry-that's revelations about Ronco)
2. Advised Paul that "Hey Dude" just didn't sound right
1. Vocal on "Octopus's Garden" played backwards sounds like "Thank God these other guys are so talented"